Tooth Ache
by Winekita
Summary: One-Shot. Jason, Leo, Percy, and Frank are on their yearly 'guys-night-out' trip. Leo tells Percy and Frank an interesting story regarding his fifth foster mother that they just cannot believe. Rated T for good reason. Based off of true events in my family.


_**This will be an interesting one-shot, guys. I promise it will be funny, though.**_

 _ **So, to get you started: Leo, Percy, Frank, and Jason are all mid-twenties and do a yearly 'guys-night-out' camping trip. We learn a bit about Leo's fifth foster home (which is after his six months with Teresa). Leo was eleven when he ran from Teresa (not even twelve yet) and was just about to turn fourteen when he ran from the fifth home. I'm just saying that in case you get confused when you compare this story with Old and New Friends.**_

 _ **I own nothing you recognize as canon.**_

* * *

 ***~Tooth Ache~***

 _You Can't Make This Up_

"I'm serious." Leo took another swig of his beer, grinning drunkenly at Frank across from him.

Frank shook his head in disbelief. "I'm having a hard time with this whole idea…"

Leo shrugged. "It's what my fifth foster parents did."

"What'd who do?" Percy asked as he plopped down across from Jason, next to Frank. He had just gotten done taking a wiz in the woods.

The men of the Seven were currently on their annual 'guys-night-out', away from their wives and kids. That meant they went on a drunken camping trip that usually resulted in practical jokes, scary stories, and hilarious recounts of times passed.

Jason chuckled. "Leo's just telling Frank about the wonders of his fifth foster home."

Percy cocked an eyebrow as he reached for a beer. "Do tell."

"Well, my foster parents from that home were what most people would call 'unorthodox'. Secondhand shoppers, rednecks, white 'class'—the whole she-bang. Best of my foster homes, by far. They were the strictest when it came to discipline, but had the most creativity when we had fun. One time, me and my foster brother, Kelly, built a tower of trash just to see how it would burn."

Jason pointed at Percy. "Tell Perce about the teeth and the funeral home!"

Leo chuckled. "Yeah, yeah. So, my foster mom, Krista, had false teeth."

Percy grimaced. "Really? How old was she?"

"Dunno…Mid to late forties? Doesn't matter." Leo sat forward after taking another swig of beer. "Anyway, she had false teeth and one day she dragged me to the funeral home. I asked why, and she said her teeth had gone bad again."

"How does that…?" Percy began.

"Shush," Jason hissed. "You'll see why."

Frank rolled his eyes.

Leo continued: "So she brings me inside and next to the undertaker's desk there's a bucket with a sign that says $ ** _5_**. And in that bucket was a bunch of used dentures."

Percy's eyes widened. "No way!"

Leo nodded. "Right?"

Frank scowled. "I told him I'm having a hard time believing it, myself."

Leo shrugged.

"Wait," Percy said. "What about ownership? Like dental records?"

"That's what the five bucks is for," Leo explained. "You pay five dollars for the transfer of the papers to you."

"Don't you show the corpses at funerals?" Frank asked. "They have to look good with their teeth, false or not."

Jason answered this. "Right before they close the casket the final time, the undertaker (or whoever wants to) gets the teeth out and takes them to get cleaned and reused."

Percy's jaw was hanging. "That's kinda gross."

"Gross, but efficient." Leo leaned back, smiling smugly. "You can sit there and try them on until you find dentures that are pretty close to your mouth size. They get cleaned after every use anyway. Saves money, too; would you rather have to pay thousands of dollars or five bucks? At least this way, it's guaranteed your teeth will work—they've already been tested."

Frank shook his head. "This is a load of centaur poop."

"Tell that to Krista and Donny," said Leo. "My foster parents knew how to live without scrounging. Actually, Krista didn't have a stove or oven and she managed to cook gourmet meals as much as possible. She only let me in the kitchen to help her if she was making tacos. I was the _only_ one in the family that could beat her on that count."

Percy laughed. "Where was all this?"

"Missouri. After I ran from my fourth home, I didn't get caught by the system. I actually just ran into Krista while she was on a road trip. I'd caught a bus from Las Cruces that took me Northeast and at one of the stops I met up with her. She could tell I was a runner just from _looking_ at me."

"Sounds like a great mom," Jason said after taking a drink.

"Spent two years with them. Then I set something really bad on fire and had to make tracks before I got them in trouble." Leo shrugged. "Caught another bus down south and pretty much went into the system right after that. Ah well, such is life."

Percy held up his hand. "But…is what you said true? About the false teeth? Can you really get used ones from funeral homes in Missouri?"

Leo grinned. "You could always find out yourself."

They changed the topic and continued telling stories long into the night before ending up in their tents. Leo and Jason chuckled and high-fived each other before retiring to their tents.

"I don't think Frank bought it," Leo whispered. "But Percy fell for it like the fish he is: hook, line, and sinker."

"I can't believe this is a story your foster mom came up with," Jason muttered.

"Told this joke to her niece," Leo bragged. "She went back and told her co-surgeons _in surgery_. The doctor actually paused in his work when he heard that. _They believed it_!"

It took everything Jason had not to burst out laughing. "I can't wait 'til we get home. Percy's gonna go straight for Annabeth!"

* * *

Percy did go straight for Annabeth.

"Welcome back," Annabeth greeted from the couch. She was with Lacy and little Bobby, watching _Phineas and Ferb_.

Percy took the remote and muted the television. The kids immediately complained. "Kids, Dad needs to discuss something serious with Mom."

Lacy booed her father and stomped away to her room. Bobby toddled off to his room as well, though much less angry.

Annabeth cocked an eyebrow at her husband. "What's got _you_ so serious, Seaweed Brain? Did something happen with Paul and Sally?"

Percy shook his head. "No. But…I need you to tell me if this is real or not."

"What do you mean? Some sort of creature? Considering our occupation, I'd say it was real."

"Um…no. It was something Leo told me one of his foster moms did. I figure you might know enough about…random things…to know if he was telling the truth."

Annabeth smirked. Percy didn't like to come to her for random knowledge questions. It was a pride thing, even if he was married to a daughter of Athena. "What did Leo say?"

* * *

Hazel was in the middle of cooking lunch when Frank came in. He looked a little embarrassed.

"What happened?" Hazel asked. "Did Leo and Percy make you the butt of another prank this year?"

He shook his head. "No…I don't think they did…" He frowned. "I just…I know I've been in America since I was fifteen, but there are some things—some customs—I still don't understand. Mostly customs involving Leo."

Hazel nodded. "Okay. I'm with you so far." Being a child of a previous century, she understood Frank's dilemma.

"Well…since you're a child of Pluto, I thought maybe you might clear this up for me. Tell me if this is…um…disrespectful to the dead…"

Hazel squinted at him. "What did Leo do?"

"It's not what he did," Frank hastily explained. "It's what his foster parents did…"

* * *

That night, when the Valdez household was eating dinner, the phone rang. Calypso answered it.

"Hello?"

She paused to let whoever was on the other end speak. When she was silent for more than a minute, Leo looked over.

After another minute, she nodded. "I'll pass the message to him. Thank you, Annabeth." She hung up.

"What did Annabeth want?" Leo asked.

Calypso walked over to him and slapped him upside the head. "That was from Hazel. Annabeth said Hazel thought Percy had been in on the joke. But…Percy had fallen for it, too. So…"

She punched Leo in the arm. "That was from Annabeth. She said that was the dumbest thing she had ever heard in her life. She told me what you told Percy and Frank."

Leo grinned. "I knew Percy took the bait, but I was actually starting to think Frank didn't fall for it."

Calypso rolled her eyes. She shoved Leo's head down towards his food. "Buying used teeth at a funeral home… _honestly_. I'm not even from this _millennium_ and I know that's a flat-out tall tale."

Leo chuckled.

Tulio and Espie looked at their father curiously. Espie asked. "What was the story?"

Leo smiled. "'Member how I always tell you stories about my favorite foster mom, Krista?"

They nodded.

Calypso gasped. "This stemmed from one of _Krista's_ tales? Good gods…"

"Y'know," Leo drawled. "I still keep in touch with Krista via email now…I think she'd be thrilled to see Espie and Tulio. And I think their uncle Kelly would be more than happy to meet Espie the fire queen."

His face landed in his food this time, Calypso had slapped him so hard. "Stop it."

Leo laughed. "She's good people, _mi sol_. Trust me: she can't ruin any of _my_ brood. I'm a terrible influence already, and she's no worse than me!"

Calypso rolled her eyes, but smirked nonetheless.

Later, Leo called Jason up. "Jason?"

" _Yeah?_ "

"They believed it!"

" _I know, I got a slap for it, too!_ "

Leo grinned. "You think we can get Percy to play along and try to get someone else to fall for it?"

He could almost hear the grin from Jason on the other end. " _He's been calling me to try and convince the Stolls, already!_ "

* * *

 ** _A/N: Guess what? This is real._**

 ** _Krista is my sister-in-law. Donny is my brother :)_**

 ** _Our family is very diverse, and Donny and Krista have their own way of living. Thirteen years ago, Krista legitimately tricked my niece (a full-grown adult) into believing this was real. She actually did tell her coworkers DURING surgery and they believed it, too. Her husband told his firefighting coworkers and they believed it, too. It's not too far-fetched, if you think about it. We're in the middle of tricking another person in the family right now. Everyone's in on it, and we're going as far as driving to a funeral home and making her go inside to get the teeth xD_**

 ** _Mean? Probably. But it's funny as hell!_**

 ** _So, Krista actually loves this story, so don't think this would offend her. :)_**

 ** _No, this doesn't actually happen, to my knowledge. Maybe in the really run-down areas there could be something similar to this sort of recycling (*snort*) I love my family._**

 ** _You can't make this stuff up. You really can't. :)_**


End file.
